Monday, September 21, 2009
there are two of me. i think that this is probably true for everyone. i certainly hope that it is. there is the me of sunlight, loud laughter, and bubbling energy. there is the other me; the me of the shadows.
strictly a human condition, duality can leave us (and those who love us) confused.
who will i be in the next five minutes?
it is this capacity for choice, this intelligence that can separate us from other animals. to me, it is often a source of my depression. the rejection of my shadow can make me one-dimensional. i feel best in the sunlight, but is that only because i have can compare it to the shadow?
i think the idea of the dumb cave girl is a myth. i believe that my ancestor was incredibly intelligent. was her psychology far different from mine? was there even a concept of a person's duality? these are modern concepts, apparently. it wasn't until freud in a cocaine-induced frenzy came up with the theory that what makes us who we are is not what we see, but the mystery that lies underneath the visible.
or maybe we just think too much.
is there a place for such self-indulgent thought processes when one is foraging with one's tribe? or building a shelter on a spontaneous field trip? or when dancing around a fire? or running really, really fast from a predator? or dancing hard around a fire? or having sex because it feels good?
we have moved from our bodies to our brains. when i set up camp in my brain, sit back and let the thinking begin, i can pretty much guarantee that depression, and his brothers, anxiety and fear, will rapidly be joining me. but, when i move deep into my muscles, feeling the strength of my thighs, the power of my arms, the stability of my torso, the wave of my spine, and the domed structure of my feet, like sinewy temples, i know that i move beyond emotions completely. i have moved away from narrow psychology. i have stepped into being. i am an animal again. i can channel my intelligence into movement and sensory exploration. i no longer have to judge my shadow. it doesn't need to be rejected. it is just a different movement.
my shadow is the slow stretch. it is the skin's reaching toward moonlight.